Monday, January 30, 2012

The Deep Snow

Every journey has its complications and obstacles. Mine began with myself. I had let so much fear and hatred and stupidity take over my soul and chain it to a cement floor of a dark empty room. Finding myself was the first step, I had taken that step, yet taking the step was just the beginning of finding myself, lost in the deep snow. No matter how many holes I dug, no matter how many empty buildings I ran into, no matter how many windows I peered through, I could not find myself. I knew this was not an obstacle I could tackle myself. And then I realized, why should I tackle this by myself? So I ventured from the trail, not far, but far enough to search for a pack I could call my own. A home. Something I had never truly had. The scents of fresh baked breads, sweets, sweat and shame filled my nostrils. I followed my instincts until I found a pack of four, a pack which was just as lost at me, yet whole at the same time. A family. My family. I knew this from the moment I laid my eyes on them. An alpha male and alpha female with two pups. I could feel the tension between the two alphas, but I knew that together they made the best of leaders in a pack I came to find out, was larger than I had anticipated.

I began to frequently join the pack for their events. I was accepted into their den and introduced to the entire pack in a sitting, an overwhelming situation. There were around fifteen or so in the pack at first. Names, names were the hardest part to remember. But never the less, it was a pack, a family, love. I had finally found my home. There were older siblings, younger siblings, alpha male, alpha female, and everything in between. The happiness I felt broke the shackles that held my soul and released me back into a feeling that I had missed for so long. A feeling I had longed for. I had found my home. But in every home there are chips in the paint, cracks in the windows, and rust on the porch. And after a while, I began to feel eyes on the back of my head. That feeling of anticipation and fear. Something was coming. Someone was coming.

I settled into the den with the pack and waited for the disaster that was afoot. Even though I knew it was coming, there was nothing I could do to stop it or prevent it. All in all, it was my fault....

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